I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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