i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
