mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
