Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
