i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
