Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
