Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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