It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
