so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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