i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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