I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
