my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
