How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
