Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I need water and some morals
Randomize
