I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
