OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
