My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
