Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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