if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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