im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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