Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
