Ambien. No doubt about it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
