Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
only you would photoshop your dick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
