just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
