Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
