They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
