Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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