9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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