Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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