Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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