and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
