Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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