the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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