just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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