party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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