hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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