seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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