Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
