we have officially lost it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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