if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
