I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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