My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
