shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
