Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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