So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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