You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
