do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
