whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
