Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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