3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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