my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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