Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
