had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
