I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
